


Nothing was Beautiful and Everything Hurt

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Croatoan/Endverse, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s05e04 The End, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Plotty, Slash, Suicidal Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-09 08:53:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5533760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things get complicated.  All Dean wants is to save Cas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bits and Pieces

He was pretty sure the guy had already done the Holy water test. Still, when he came in that morning, he was met with another splash of water to the face.

"Dude," Dean said, spitting out the water. "What the fuck?"

And then he was squatting down beside himself, lowering a machete too close to his face.

Dean had already figured that he was in the future, the Croatoan virus was out, and that meant... but he didn't want to acknowledge what that meant, so instead he glared at the future version of himself, who was apparently a little slower and still trying to figure out who Past Dean was.

"What are you?" He said in a low, dangerous voice.

"I'm you, you ass," Dean retorted. "I'm from 2009."

Future Dean stared at him, his eyes hard and his jaw set. Dean sighed. Was he really this much of an asshole? Or had he turned into one. That made sense, considering.

"Tell me about Sam," the asshole said, his voice cracking. "Tell me about Cas."

Dean flinched. "Don't you know?"

"I want to know where you are right now. What's happened. Have you - or Sam - said..."

"No," Dean said quickly. "No, we've refused. Sam is..." he hesitated. "Good. Cas is... looking for God."

Future Dean snorted. "Great."  He paused, thinking. "Is Sam with you?"

Dean swallowed. "No. We went our separate ways."

"And you spoke to Raphael? With Cas?"

Dean paused. Saying that meant admitting the other thing. Future Dean saw his hesitation and nodded. "Okay," he said. He slapped his legs and stood up. "I'll be back."

"Wait, man!" Dean shouted. "I mean, you believe me, right? I'm... you, from the past. Let me go."

"Well, the thing is, I don't remember this from my past," Future Dean said slowly. "So no, I'm not going to let you go. I've got... I've to figure some things out." He looked at Dean on the floor, his eyes hard and searching, and then he was gone.

"Goddammit," Dean swore to himself. His hand was going numb from being raised for so long. He was thirsty and hungry and his back hurt. "Goddammit. Why do I have to be such an asshole?"

It took him too long to wedge the nail from the floor and jimmy the handcuff lock. He emerged from the shack, rubbing his wrists, and searching the grey landscape for any sign of Cas. Chuck walked by. "Chuck!" Dean exclaimed, jumping down the stairs.

Chuck jumped, almost dropping the handful of coils and wires he was holding, and then sighed, looking around. "Dean," he said half-heartedly.

"Hey, Chuck," Dean said, trying to reign in his enthusiasm. "Hey, have you seen, uh, Have you seen Cas?"

"He's in his bunk," Chuck said, sounding resigned.

"Cool, cool, and that is over..." he started pointing, and Chuck corrected him, and then kept walking.

"Hey Chuck!" Dean shouted again, against his better judgement. "Have you... I mean, do you still... write?"

Chuck stopped, sighed. "No," he said. "No, but... it comes to me."

"Oh."

Chuck turned to look back at him. "Just in - in bits and pieces. It's always changing. Team Free Will kind of fucked with it, you know? Ever since Cas helped you..."

"Well, Sam and me, we're really the heart of Team Free Will, if you know..."

Chuck shook his head. "No, Dean, you wanted to be. But you would have been trapped all along. The only way you broke free was because Cas did. He's the one that broke Destiny."

Chuck walked away quicker this time, and Dean stayed, watching him.

 

He found Cas's bunk and watched him on the floor, speaking with five hot women. When Cas saw him and acknowledged him with a wink, Dean shifted uncomfortably. But then the women were gone and Cas stretched and then looked at him and knew.

"2009..." Cas said thoughtfully, then cocked his head and smiled at himself. "Interesting."

"Are you stoned?"

This was apparently also hilarious. "Generally," Cas answered.

"Listen to me," Dean said suddenly, moving forward and grabbing Cas's shoulders. "This is serious. What happened? Why did Sam say yes? Why am I here?"

"I don't know," Cas said, his head lolling about.  He gasped and shivered at Dean's touch, his eyes electrified.  He grasped Dean's shoulders as well. "I missed you," he said softly, a hint of pain stretched in his voice.

The door banged open and they both looked up to see Future - Present, really - Dean charge into the room. He grabbed Dean by the shoulders and threw him back. Dean stumbled and fell on his ass on one of Cas's floor pillows, and watched as the other Dean grabbed Cas by the hair and slammed his head on the counter. Cas crumpled, letting it happen, and when Dean pulled him back up and pressed him against the wall, his nose was bleeding, and his eyes were glossy.

"What the..." Dean, on the floor, scrambled to his feet, wanting to interfere, but it was over before it had started. He hesitated, hovering behind future Dean his hands up, helplessly. Future Dean was muttering something to Cas under his breath, but Cas looked up under hooded eyes and met real Dean's eyes.

"Yes," he said stonily.

Future Dean pushed him back and turned to Dean. "You," he said. "I told you to stay in the cabin."

"Yeah well, I said Fuck you," Dean shrugged.

"This is not a request," Future Dean said, charging at him now. Dean tried to hold his ground but his feet shifted unconsciously when Future Dean pressed into him, his face perilously close. "I am in charge now. I give the orders. We do have a cell in case you have trouble following directions."

"You know me," Dean said with a smirk. "Have I ever followed directions?"

Future Dean watched him, a twist in his jaw. "You're right," he finally said, nodding. He pulled out his gun and placed it against Dean's temple. Cas, behind them, gave a scared shout.

"You're going to shoot me?" Dean asked, raising his eyebrows and feeling quite cocky still. "Really? You do know that I'm you."

"Do you still think so? Because I don't remember any of this from your perspective. So I'm still not convinced that you're me at all."

"From the past, but also an alternative universe." Cas said. They both turned to look at him. He was crumpled on the floor, leaning over with his head in his hands. He looked broken. "Because of Free Will - the storyline's not completely straight. Our present is not necessarily the one that's going to happen. He's on the cusp of a big decision that will determine which reality will come to be."

Future Dean looked back at Dean with a grin. "So you see, I can do whatever I want to you, and it won't affect me."

"Is that all you got out of that? Dude, I'm freaking important. I can still get you out of this situation - I can stop this reality from happening. And believe me, I want to do that so badly." Dean said this last part to Cas, on the floor. It was supposed to be an apology, but Cas was not paying attention. He had sunk into his lap and seemed to be asleep.

"Exactly. But you're too stupid to know how to change it. That's why I'm taking charge." Dean cocked the gun and Dean flinched. He realized now that he had underestimated the insanity of his future self. Future Dean hesitated. "Are you going into the cage on your own or do you need help?"

Dean looked at himself in the eyes, knowing full well that he should just play along. But that wasn't in his nature. So instead he shrugged and said "I think I need help." And Future Dean cold-cocked him with the gun and Dean was out.


	2. The Future's Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened between future Dean and future Cas; and how future Dean thinks he can fix it.

When Present Dean had first left his past self locked in his cabin, he went straight to Chuck. He was out in the junkyard, collecting wood and metal and gears for his newest project.

"I think a past version of myself is here," he explained quickly, pushing Chuck's load out of his hands. Chuck yelped and tried uselessly to catch the collection of bits and pieces as they tumbled from his grasp. Dean grabbed him by the shoulder and didn't let him bend down to pick it up. "Listen," he said insistently. "Forget that stuff. Listen. I think it's me before the Choice was made."

Chuck sighed, resigned himself, and looked up at Dean. "Why is he here?"

"I thought you would know! Hasn't this come to you already?"

"No, Dean," Chuck said, wiping his hands on his jeans. "I already told you. It... it doesn't work anymore. Yes, I get a little here and there, but it's not - it's not necessarily true." He looked up guiltily at Dean. He always was careful about that part - feigning ignorance when it came to Dean and Cas' past.

"But you've gotten some of this?"

Chuck sighed. Being around Dean stressed him out. He wished he would just go on another excursion or something. Chuck liked the peacefulness of setting up home in the campsite, without the drama and flurry of anger that was Dean Winchester. At least, current Dean Winchester, he considered. "A little," he finally admitted. "You take him to fight Lucifer. It doesn't end well."

"No, I'm not interested in that," Dean brushed it aside. "I'm interested in him. I mean - he hasn't made the choice yet. This is our chance to change that - to change everything."

"What are you talking about? He isn't the one who made the choice. Sam is."

"Only because of Dean," he said thoughtfully. "Because of me, I mean. I was... not as aware as I should have been. I wasn't - really there for him."

Chuck knew what he was alluding to, but again ignored it. "I don't know, man. I don't have any insight on his future. Only ours."

"Okay, great, great, Chuck, thank you," Dean said distractedly, patting Chuck's shoulder and moving on. "You've been... well, not really that much help at all."

Chuck closed his eyes, took a big sigh, and walked on.

Dean was assaulted by a few soldiers and civilians needing advice, help, questions, but he shouted at them to leave him alone and took off in a jeep on his own. He saw the surprise and concern in the others' faces - no one went out alone - but he was the leader and he could do what he wanted. And right now he really wanted some alone time to think this out.

Raphael was notable. Not for the obvious reasons - he was a dickweed who had fucked with them for a long time before Cas had put him down. No, but because that reference clearly marked the change between Cas and Dean.

Cas had still scared him at that point - his intensity, and the level of sacrifice he had made for Dean. Dean couldn't get the speech out of his head - "I have lost everything..." "...and I have done it all for you..."

And yet the level of debt, the level of gratitude that Dean owed him, cowed him to the point that he could only snark and put down Cas. It made no sense, and he realized even as he treated Cas like dirt, that it was the wrong way to go on this. But he was Dean, and that was the only way he knew how to act, even though sometimes at night it was like a knife through his chest and he couldn't breathe, and he wouldn't let himself understand why.

So he made an effort - a small, manly effort to pay Cas something back, in the way of booze and food and women. Cas seemed intrigued by the bar food, apathetic to the beer, and horrified at the women. Even now, Dean had to chuckle at the expression of pure terror in Cas' face as he was led to the back of the strip club. At the confused shrug of Cas as Chastity screamed and fled the room.

And maybe it was the beer - Cas hadn't been affected, but Dean didn't know that at the time, didn't know it took a lot for the angel, and thus had convinced himself that he was just as inebriated as Dean - but later, sitting on the hood of the Impala and looking up at the night sky, Dean had finally let his defenses down.

* * *

"You said that the industry is based on absentee fathers," Cas had said thoughtfully.

Dean laughed. It always tickled him to hear Castiel repeat his words. It was like teaching a child about the fucked up ways of the world. "Yeah, that's about right," he said, taking another sip of his beer.

"Why is that?"

This question caught Dean off guard. He thought about it. "I guess, if you didn't have the love of your father as a child, you spend the rest of your life looking for love somewhere else."

"Is that what sex is? Love?"

"No. Well. A paltry excuse for it."

"Oh. That makes sense."

"What does?"

"You have an absentee father."

Dean felt his chest go cold. Castiel had a habit of saying the worst things out loud, bluntly, with no regards for the other person. He couldn't be mad about it, though - he had just laughed when Cas had done this same thing, not an hour ago, to a stripper.

"Yeah, and you do too." He finally said in a low, dangerous voice.

"So that's why you took me to a strip club," Cas said simply. "To try to get a pathetic excuse for love, just like you do, with all the sex."

Dean groaned, downed his beer, and leaned into the cab for another one. "You know, Cas, sometimes it's just better to stop talking."

"Okay," Cas said, and they sat in quiet, laying back against the windshield again, to watch the twinkling lights above them.

After a moment, Cas turned to Dean and watched him. Dean ignored him at first, keeping his eyes on the sky, but finally turned to face him as well. "What?" he said with a smile.

"Why would it be bad to die a virgin?"

"Because, man..." Dean shifted. "It would be like dying before you really truly live."

"But you said sex was a paltry excuse for love. What's the... non-paltry expression of love."

Dean started laughing and then stopped, thinking. He laughed again. "You're funny, Cas."

"I'm serious."

"Sex still. But not meaningless sex," Dean admitted, shrugged. "Sex with someone you like. Or love, I guess."

"Have you ever had sex with someone you love?" Cas asked.

Dean hesitated. "I dunno man. I thought so."

"With who?"

"Cassie."

"What?" Cas' eyes went wide.

Dean burst out laughing and covered his face. "Oh man... oh god, I didn't realize that... oh no no no, this girl named Cassie, I used to go with..."

Cas was not laughing, but intently watching Dean. "You loved her."

Dean calmed himself down and took a few deep breaths. "I thought I did. But I don't know... sometimes now, I feel like I didn't really know her. Not like..." he trailed off.

"So in a way, you're an emotional virgin," Cas said thoughtfully.

"Oh Lord."

"And so we're both going to die virgins." Dean looked at Cas. "Because I have no interest in the paltry excuse."

Dean grasped Cas' hand and opened his mouth to speak.  But nothing came out.  So instead he leaned forward and pressed his lips against Castiel's and he felt a levy break inside and everything that had been locked up for so long, finally poured out. 

* * *

Dean shook himself to a stop. He hadn't meant to get wrapped up in memory. It was after that - after he and Castiel had first been together. And they hadn't died the next day, and they hadn't mentioned it for a while after that. But that was the start of the whole affair. Cas had seeped into his skin and become his obsession. He had fallen head over for the angel, he had grasped him tight and never wanted to let him go. And consequently, he had never picked back up with Sam, hadn't been there for support, when Sam had finally made the decision to say yes to Lucifer.

It was the start of the entire apocalypse, and Dean had been too happy to let it happen.

It would have been better to send Dean forward before that night at the strip club. Before Raphael, and before he had finally admitted his love to himself, and to Cas. This wasn't ideal - he'd have to talk to Chuck about that, even though Chuck would feign ignorance, as always. This wasn't ideal, but it would have to do. He would have to stop Past Dean - at this point it was just drunken sex. He would have to stop him from falling any further into Castiel.

Somehow.


	3. And then there was Cas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Past Castiel shows up, to everyone's excitement. Future Cas tells Dean the rest of the story.

Dean was asleep when he heard a fluttering and footsteps in the cell. He blinked his eyes, trying to make sense of the angel in front of him.

"Cas!" He said, jumping up and grabbing Castiel into a big bear hug. Castiel stood stock still, not returning the hug. _I missed you_ Cas had said and Dean pulled back to look at Castiel. "Are you okay?" He asked. "How did you get here?"

"I went to your hotel room - uh, early," Castiel pauses at Dean's glower, but continues. "It appears Zachariah sent you here as, uh... a message to say yes to Michael."

"Motherfucker!" Dean pushed away from Castiel, who flinched. Dean turned away and shook his head. "What a piece of shit."

"Zachariah does seem to be, um... slowly losing whatever amount of sanity he had," Castiel admitted.

"So is this even real? Or is this just a made up future?"

"No, it appears to be real. I followed your tracks by zooming into the future."

Dean looked at Castiel, interested. "You can do that?"

"You knew that."

"The past, yes, but... the future..."

"Because you still don't believe in fate."

"Well, yeah. This hasn't happened yet. This doesn't have to happen. We can stop it. Isn't that why Zachariah sent me here?"

Castiel turned and touched the lock of the cell. It snapped open with a touch of his fingers. "Yes, it would appear so."

Dean sighed with exasperation and walked over, grabbing Castiel by the shoulder again. "Cas," he said softly. "What's wrong?"

Castiel didn't turn around. "We need to figure out what happened," he said. "Where are you? Can we talk to your future self?"

"Hell no," Dean said quickly. Castiel looked up at him. "He's a dick."

Castiel broke into a smile, but he looked back down. "What about me, then?"

Dean hesitated. "It's worth a try. But..."

Two seconds later Castiel and Dean were standing in the doorway of Cas' cabin, watching him on the floor making out with two women. All three were in various states of undress. Dean groaned and turned away quickly, but Castiel watched intently.

"Dude," Dean said, focusing on Castiel. "What the hell happened to you?"

Castiel cocked his head and watched with parted lips. "Cas..." Dean said, "please stop it, and please put clothes on yourself."

Castiel finally looked up at Dean, shrugged, and clapped awkwardly. Cas and the women on the floor paused just long enough to look up. Cas' face lit up when he saw Castiel.

"Me!" He said, jumping up and grabbing Cas around the shoulders into a great big hug. Dean groaned and covered his face with his hands, walking into the room and away from the clothed and unclothed Cas's hugging.

"Ladies," he said with a forced smile to the women on the floor, watching the two men with interest. "I'm sorry but could we please have the room?"

He helped them find their clothes and was nothing but a gentleman, although he snuck a peek. When the women were gone, he turned back to the two Cas's.

Cas had pressed Castiel up against the wall and was kissing him passionately, his hands ruffling through Castiel's hair and the other working his tie off. Castiel, for his part, was not actively participating, but had his eyes closed and was content to let it happen.

"Cas!" Dean snapped sharply. Castiel looked up quickly, but Cas kept going. Castiel pushed him off and took two steps back, along the wall. Cas pouted and looked up at Dean.

"You seem to be doing better," Dean commented drily. Cas shrugged. "Sex will do that to a person."

"And drugs," Castiel commented. "You seem to be on a lot of... drugs."

Cas laughed. "Yeah, that too."

"But you're... broken." Castiel said in his blunt, innocent way, squinting at himself. Cas' smile faded but he didn't respond.

"Listen," Dean said, trying to get back on track. "Listen, we need to... can you put some clothes on?" Cas crossed his arms and looked at Dean defiantly, with all his glory exposed. Dean looked at Castiel, eyes pleading for help, and a second later a sweater and his hippy pants had snapped back onto Cas' frame. "Thank you," Dean said. "Now, Cas, we need to figure out what happened."

"The Apocalypse happened," Cas said, looking down at his clothes. He looked back at Castiel in awe. "You still have your powers."

"Listen to me, Cas," Dean snapped his fingers. But Cas was already approaching Castiel again, who was awkwardly avoiding anyone's eyes.

"You know what happened. You've figured it out by now, haven't you?" Cas asked, pressing himself against Castiel again. "Do you want to know what happened to Dean?" Cas pressed his forehead against Castiel. There was a brief flash, and then Castiel made a strange noise, jerked back his head as his eyes rolled back in his head.

"Cas!" Dean shouted. Castiel choked back a sob, as Cas watched him apathetically.

And then FutureDean burst into the door. He seemed to like doing that. "Goddammit Cas," he said, striding forward and pulling Cas off of Castiel, throwing him down on the floor. Castiel remained still, squeezing his eyes shut as if in pain. Future Dean smacked him in the face for good measure.

"Are you kidding me? He's a freaking angel!" Dean shouted at himself. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Future Dean looked down at Dean with a withering glance, and then back up at Castiel, who had finally fluttered his eyes open. "Come with me," he said. "We need to talk."

"You can talk with me here-" Dean started, but a moment later, they were gone. "Goddammit!" He yelled to no one in particular.

Cas, on the floor, laughed lazily and lolled around on the ground. Dean sighed, not knowing whether to be pissed or saddened by this state of Castiel.

"Cas," he said, sliding down to the floor next to the broken man. "Cas, please. What happened to you? What happened to me?" He was begging.

Cas looked up at him curiously, and then propped himself up on his arms. "How much do you know?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, what's happened... with us?"

Dean went cold. "The, uh... we had um. A drunken encounter."

Cas laughed. "Is that all it was?"

"Yes! Man, you know it," Dean pushed him playfully - not hard, but Cas flinched and Dean felt like an asshole. He crossed his arms. "I wanted to give you a send off in case we died. I was drunk. We... so, we had a little fun."

"I wasn't drunk," Cas mentioned.

"What?"

"It takes a lot for me to get fucked up. Or, it did. I was an angel. Actually, that might be one of the few benefits to being human now..."

"Focus, Cas," Dean ordered.

"You told me to look inside your head," Cas said.

Dean went cold. "What? And you did?"

"You asked me to."

"I was drunk! That's... that's like, taking advantage of me."

"Maybe I shouldn't have. But it was our last night. And you asked me to. You said you couldn't say the words and so I had to look. And so I did."

"And?"

"And what? You know what you felt. Or what you feel. I saw it."

Dean was quiet for a long time. Cas rolled his eyes, turned over and cuddled up with a pillow. He was lightly snoring when Dean shook him awake again.

"Then what?"

"Wha-?"

"What happened?"

Cas stayed lying down, looking off into the distance. Dean, leaning over him, felt like he may be crowding him, but he didn't care. "We were together," Cas said quietly. "I fell and I was human and we were together, and you never went back to Sam."

Dean couldn't respond.

"And then when Sam said yes, you went..." Cas' voice warbled and he trailed off, refusing to look at Dean in the eye. "You thought it was your fault. You weren't there for him. And you thought it was my fault you hadn't gone back." Again, his voice cut off.

"What happened?" Dean said in a low voice.

Cas shook his head and clutched the pillow tighter. "It doesn't matter. Sam said yes. That's what matters. That's what you have to undo."

"Okay, I'll undo it. But tell me what happened."

Cas was quiet for a long time. Dean, frustrated, grabbed his arm and pulled him up, forced him to look him in the eye. Cas pushed away, scrambled up and got a pill from the table. He had swallowed it dry before Dean got to him. "Tell me!" Dean said, shaking Cas like a rag doll.

Cas resigned himself to the shaking, and finally looked up at Dean. "The day Sam said yes, you broke four of my ribs, my nose, and my pinky finger," he said evenly.

Dean dropped his hold on Cas. "Cas..." he whispered, cowed.

Cas pushed past him and wandered under the beaded curtain to his bed. "I'm going to sleep," he said. Dean followed him, unconsciously not able to let him leave.

"Cas, man... I'm not going to let that happen..." Dean said, his voice thick.

"That was when I got into pain medicine," Cas said dreamily, as he settled into the covers. "It's okay, though. It would have all happened anyway. After I fell, for you, I lost my powers. And suddenly I wasn't any use to you."

There was a thick silence settled down upon them.

"I think," Cas said, "it was set from the start. As soon as I gave up everything for you... you didn't want me anymore."


	4. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because they deserve a little happy.

Dean watched the broken Cas slowly falling asleep, and felt his heart breaking.

It was too much. He had been with Cas, he had broken Cas, Sam had said yes... Dean felt dizzy, and it was too much history to take in all at once, and all he wanted to do was crawl in bed and hold Cas tight.

So he did.

"I'm not your Castiel, you know," Cas told him. So he wasn't asleep yet.

"You're Cas," Dean said, his voice muffled as his face pressed firmly against Cas's neck.

"Wouldn't you prefer him? The angel?"

"Cas, man..." Dean trailed off. "I'm sorry. For what I'm going to... or what I did. But I haven't done it yet. And I -" his voice broke off again. Cas rolled over and watched Dean with those heavy, intense eyes. "I don't know why I would have done it. I must have been fucked up, with Sam, and everything, and I've never... really been good at telling people how I feel... I told you, I hadn't ever really been in... and, well, you looked..."

"Is this Dean Winchester's way of telling me that he loves me?" Cas laughed and rocked forward but Dean held him tighter. 

"Please," Dean said, and finally Cas turned all the way around and looked at Dean in the eyes. "I don't want you to think I'm just using you. I - I care about... you."

Cas smiled lazily, leaned over and kissed Dean, chastely, sweetly on the lips. "I missed you," he said. "I must be a dumbass because even though I know what will happen, I still love this so much. I'd go through it all over again."

Dean flinched at these words, but then Cas had wrapped his arms around Dean and pressed his body against his. Dean gasped with pleasure and threaded his fingers through Cas' hair, a sudden need pulsating through his body. He couldn't pull Cas close enough, and his hands were frantic, pulling, rubbing, trying to touch every part of Cas, amazed at the novelty, feeling like a young kid discovering sex for the first time, wanting to explore every bit of Cas' skin, and Cas laughed and kissed him and touched him back and Dean felt his world explode.


	5. Just to Save Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What needs to happen. Apparently.

Castiel and Future Dean appeared in front of the cabin that had been used as a jail cell.

Dean's eyes lit up as he caught himself, trying to balance himself after the transport, and then he looked up at Castiel with awe in his eyes. "You still have your powers," he breathed.

"Yes," Castiel said, averting his eyes. "I know you like that."

Dean's smile froze. "What do you..."

"Your Cas shared his... history with me."

"Oh." Dean swallowed thickly. "About that."

"Yes."

"I know - I know things went south fast here. But that's why I want to talk to you. I want to make sure this doesn't happen." Dean gestured around him, at the land, and then to Castiel and himself. 

"That we don't ever happen," Castiel said. It wasn't a question.

"Well, yes," Dean shrugged. "That was what led to everything. That's what led to..." he gestured back to Cas' cabin. He must be nervous, Castiel observed. He was looking like Sam, waving his hands around so much. "If we can stop our relationship from ever happening, if I can go back to Sam in the past, we can make sure this never happens."

Castiel stood, squinting out in the distance. Dean hesitated, waited for him to think it over. "I know myself," he interrupted. "I know that I'm going to be a dick and refuse. I - I wouldn't be able to not - I wouldn't be able to get over you," he said thickly. "But you - you're still an angel, you've got willpower and all that - and you know - you know that this is the best thing. This is the world, we're talking about."

Castiel only half-listened to him. He had already thought it over and agreed that it was the best thing to do. But at the same time, he was railing internally. He had had one night with Dean - he had seen inside his soul and he had been with him, and if there was ever a time when Castiel had felt truly happy, truly at peace - it had been then. Not in heaven, not with his angels, but in that abandoned house with Dean. It was as if the entire universe made sense to him. 

And Dean didn't even half-remember it. There was supposed to be more, there was supposed to be lots more, sober more, heady, passionate, loving more. He had seen it in Cas' memories and he ached for them with a burning in his heart.

How fair was it, then, to ask him to give all of that up, just to save the world?

"You know what you have to do," FutureDean told him, as if seeing, and understanding all of this going through Castiel's head. "You know that you're going to have to be the strong one, go back and reject me, push me back to Sam."

He had had one night. He wanted more.

"Dean!" A woman, long brunette hair tied back in a braid, army fatigues on, came running. "Dean, it's Carlos and Paul. They've just wired in - got surrounded by a group of Croats. They need our help."

Dean nodded, not looking at her. "We'll be fine. We got an angel on our side." He said, winking at Castiel. 

Castiel matched his stare, but didn't respond. "Where is it?" he asked in a low voice.

"Down Highway 82, past the 17th mile marker," the woman said.

Castiel nodded, then blinked out.

He found the two men quickly, holed up in an old gas station as a horde of what they called Croats moaned and scrabbled at the windows. He smote them with a quick blast, and then disappeared before they could see him. 

Future Dean and the other soldiers were on their way to investigate anyway.

So Castiel popped back up in his future's cabin, where the room was suddenly empty. Just pillows and smashed glasses scattering the floor.

He picked up the glass and rearranged the pillows and then he heard a soft moan, and the rustling of blankets. 

He ducked his head through the beaded curtain and blinked in the darkness, trying to make sense of the shapes moving in the shadows. 

Cas was on top of someone, moving with those strange, curvy movements that Castiel could not imagine himself capable of. Again, he had to stop and wonder at what he had become. Cas leaned down and kissed the man underneath him, placing his hand on the man's bare chest, and nipped at his neck.

The man grinned, arched his back and grabbed Cas' waist. "Oh, Cas," he moaned softly, and then gasped with pleasure.

It was Dean. Castiel watched, stonily, as Dean rocked back against Cas, more and more fervently, grabbed his neck, his waist, his ass, and cried out and pleaded and gasped. 

It was much more elegant than their night had been. Dean had been drunk and Cas had been naive. It was a lot of awkward fumbling and struggling against clothes and coming, over and over, through little movements and touches and mouths. 

Castiel watched, what his future had, and what he wouldn't.


	6. The Bitter Sweetness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some are sweet, some are bitter.

Castiel waited until the two men had stopped, their breathing slowed back down, and they were laying back, wrapped in each others' arms, murmuring and laughing quietly. It was an intimate moment, almost more so than the sex, and so Castiel waited, wanted them to have this even as it burned him.

Finally he spoke: "Dean wants to see you both," he said gruffly, and then fled.

"-The Fuck!" Dean jumped up, grabbing the blankets and looking around. "Are you serious? Were you just fucking watching us?"

"Meh," Cas shrugged his shoulders. "Sounds about right." Dean shot him a dangerous look and he laughed.

"Seriously, what is wrong with you? I mean, him? Ever since he got here, he's been weird."

Cas cocked his head back, thoughtfully. "You said you'd only had sex the once, right? And you haven't talked about it since?"

"Well, yeah."

"Well, Dean," Cas said, turning over on his side and smirking at him. "Most people would think that warrants enough awkwardness. But add to that the fact that you were drunk and he - I - wasn't. We think you don't remember. Of course we don't know how to act."

"You did that, too?"

"When I was him. Add to that, the fact that I showed him everything that happened to us in the meantime, and now he's caught his future self with you... I think any kind of strangeness on his part is totally understandable." Cas seemed extremely amused with this.

Dean didn't respond. He put his hands in his hair and groaned. Cas watched him quietly. "And he knows? That Future me blames him... blames our relationship... for everything?"

"Yes."

Dean wiped his face, and then got up and started dressing. Cas watched from the bed, curiously. "Get up," Dean said. "We have to go. We have to stop Castiel from doing something stupidly brave and self-sacrificing. I don't think I could stand that any more."

 

****

Dean and Cas blustered into Future Dean's cabin and stopped dead in their tracks when they saw the soldiers around the table. Castiel was standing in the corner, stony in his way, and Dean tried but failed to catch his eyes.

"Nice of you to make it," Future Dean said, leaning over the table.

"What is this about?" Dean asked, again shooting a look at Castiel. Castiel didn't look up.

Future Dean placed the Colt on the table. Dean looked up, shocked. "Where did you find that?"

"It doesn't matter. What matters is, we have it now. And thanks to a certain little demon we interrogated last week..."

"Interrogated?" Dean interjected abruptly.

"Tortured," Cas whispered. "He means tortured."

"Oh, great, we're back to torturing. Real classy." FutureDean glowered at him, Cas snickered, and Castiel remained motionless in the corner. Dean sighed deeply and looked back at FutureDean.

"Yep, so." Future Dean looked back and forth at Dean and Cas, then appealed to Castiel. Castiel nodded solemnly in respond. What the fuck, Dean thought. "So," Future Dean said. "Tomorrow, we're going to go kill the Devil." He laid out a map and Cas leaned over to look with him. "We've found his location is in this area."

"That area is a hot zone," Cas interjected. "It's surrounded by Croats and demons. We can't just go rushing in."

"Are you coming."

"Of course." Dean started at this quick accession. "But why are you going to let him go?" Cas gestured to Dean.

"Don't worry about it."

"Dean," Castiel spoke up in the corner. Dean and Future Dean both looked at him. "Future... Present Dean." Castiel corrected. "Can I speak to you for a second?"

"Not right now, Cas," Dean blew him off.

"I think you keep forgetting I'm not your Cas," Castiel corrected. Cas grimaced and stepped back. Dean grabbed his shoulder and squeezed. "I'm still an angel, Dean. Instead of leading your men to certain death," there were a few murmurs by the other soldiers at this. "Why don't you work with me to make an actual useful plan? That is, if you want to kill the Devil and not just commit mass suicide."

Future Dean glared murder into Castiel, who matched his stare with his steady eyes. Cas turned to Dean with a brilliant smile on his face. "I love past me!" He whispered. Dean gave a quick smile and then looked back at the two.

"Everyone out," Future Dean growled. The other soldiers split quickly, moving past Dean and Cas. FutureDean looked at them. "You too," he added.

"Bullshit, I'm staying right here," Dean stepped forward as Cas shrank back. Castiel stepped up to Dean as well.

"Dean, please let me deal with this," he said, addressing Dean for the first time since they had found Cas. His eyes were soft now, those eyes that Dean had originally fallen in love with; and in a strange move of emotion, Castiel reached forward and grabbed Dean's hand. "Go," he said, giving his hand a squeeze and then releasing it.

Dean was caught in a trance, reached out for Castiel's hand again, but he was moving away now. "C'mon," Cas said, tugging at his shirt, and half-dragged Dean out of the cabin and down the stairs.  He tried to drag him further, but Dean stopped in the yard, pulling away from Cas, watching the cabin as if searching for clues.

"Come on," Cas urged, not wanting Dean to know what he knew.  From the cabin, the light flickered and there was a sound of something breaking. Cas and Dean both flinched as they watched and listened. Thick clatters of crashing came from the cabin and Dean started toward the cabin. Cas caught his hand. "Don't," he whispered.

"Dude, what are you doing in there?" Dean asked as they stood and watched the cabin.

"What I'll always do," Cas said softly. "Sacrifice my life for yours."

 

******

 

"He needs to go," Future Dean said firmly to Castiel. "I need him to see what happened to Sam. What happens if he lets Sam go."

"I thought we already decided that I would ensure that," Castiel responded evenly.

"Yeah, well consider this a little insurance."

"So what are you trying to do here? Teach the past or save the future? Because I promise you that you are walking your men into a suicide mission."

"It won't be. Not with you there."

Castiel stood, watching Dean pace behind the table. "I will be there," he finally said. "But only on my conditions."

"Excuse me?" Dean looked up. "Again, I don't think you realize - I'm in charge here. I am not negotiating or - or asking for your permission. I am giving you orders."

"And I don't think you realize that I. am. a. freaking. angel. As you would so artfully put it," Castiel retorted. Dean flinched. "I don't answer to you."

"You say that, but you know, you always have. And you always will."

Castiel met his eyes. "And see where that's gotten me? Right now I pledge to my Dean, from the past. He is not going with you."

"He is, and so are you. Because I know for a fact you won't let him go alone. You're going to have to follow. To save him," Dean sneered.

Castiel looked at Dean in sadness. "What happened to you?"

"Sam happened. The apocalypse happened. You happened!" Dean snapped. Castiel watched him sadly.

"Listen," Castiel tried again, approaching Dean. "I can go in there and smite all of the demons and Croats. I can get you a face-to-face chat with Sam - Lucifer. But Dean and Cas are staying here." Dean started to protest but Castiel held his hand up and continued. "I will fight beside you and together I think we might be able to vanquish Lucifer. But I can just as much assure you that both of us will die doing so."

Dean didn't flinch with Castiel's slow approach, didn't move back when Castiel was a foot away from his face like he used to. He shrugged apathetically.

"And when Zachariah decides to pull Dean back to the past, I won't be there, and he - you - will be alone. You will go back to Sam. I won't be a problem anymore."

Dean stopped, thought about this. "It does present a solution," he considered.

"It's the only solution."

Dean shook his head. "I need him to see Sam. I need him to understand the consequences. What if he doesn't go back to Sam, just because you're gone?"

"I thought this whole thing was my fault," Castiel pointed out angrily.

"Dean comes."

"Dean stays."

They stood glaring at each other for a long moment. Then Dean's eyes crinkled and he bit his lip. "What?" Castiel said, and Dean smiled an actual, genuine smile. It took Castiel aback, and Dean whispered, "I missed you," and leaned forward to kiss Castiel roughly, grabbing his head and his back and pulling him brusquely into himself.

"Ermf-" Castiel pulled away, panting suddenly. "What? I thought that was the whole problem," he said.

"For past me. Not me," Dean pointed out. "And not you, if you suicide mission with me."

"I said if Past Dean doesn't go." Castiel said firmly. His lips were already red and puffy and as firm as he tried to be, he looked like a frightened deer.

"How about this," Dean said, approaching him as Castiel backed up again. He loved this change in dynamics. "I'll fight you for it."

"Fight..." Castiel was floundering, not knowing how to respond.

"Yes. Fight," Dean said crisply. He smiled deviously. "If I fuck you, Dean comes. If you fuck me, Dean stays."

"Excuse me?" Castiel was still unable to form sentences, running through his brain to make sense of the sentences coming out of Dean's mouth. But before he could, Dean had grabbed him by the collar, slammed him against the wall and took his mouth again, ravenously.

Castiel made a strange groan that surprised himself, and took Dean's head in his hands. He was gasping for air, reeling from the sudden flurry of action, and Dean was biting his neck, licking his ear, and pushing his hands inside the trenchcoat, pulling the dress shirt out of his pants. "Wait," Castiel said, trying half-heartedly to push Dean away.

Dean grabbed him and threw him over the map on the table. Castiel, still reeling from surprise, let Dean press his head down into the paper and then felt his trenchcoat being ripped off and his pants being unzipped. "Wait," he said, finally waking up to the situation. He stood up, pushed Dean back. "Wait, not like this."

"Do you want Dean to stay?" Future Dean challenged, his voice thick with lust.

"I'm an angel. I can make him stay."

"Dean will go if I want him to. Dean will want to see Sam. Are you really going to go against his wishes?"

Castiel narrowed his eyes. "I'm not sure I see the logic -"

Dean pressed him back, kissed him deeply, and Castiel finally stopped fighting and kissed him back. His eyes closed, heavy, when Dean pulled back. "In any case," he said after a pause, "It's not a fair fight. I could - "

"Fuck me," Dean said.

"It's not a fair fight."

Dean grinned, a shit-eating grin, and then reached behind Castiel and pulled something out of the desk. Castiel's eyes went wide when he saw the angel blade.

"You're not -" he stopped, gasped, when Dean slid the blade across his arm, releasing a tiny slit of light emanating from his arm. He grabbed Dean's arm and held it back. "You've lost your mind," he said in amazement.

"C'mon, I won't hurt you," Dean said, smiling. "Well, I'll hurt you, but I wouldn't kill you. Just a bit of fun."

He lunged at Castiel again, and this time Castiel grabbed his arm and swung around, bringing Dean to a crash against the table. Dean laughed. "That's more like it."

And suddenly Castiel dropped his shoulders, let the tension rinse through him like a sieve, and he looked at Dean with that heady excitement that Dean remembered from those first few times together. He leapt onto the table and pressed Dean's wrists down, leaning into him and taking the kiss this time, roughly opening his mouth and nipping, sucking, biting his lip. Dean laughed into it, and Castiel pulled his jacket open, pressed his hands against the warm skin underneath. "Can you do it?" Dean whispered. "Can you fuck me?"

Castiel pulled back, looking at him with lustful eyes, and then started scrambling with Dean's belt buckle. Dean laughed again, drunkenly, as Castiel pulled his pants down. As Castiel stood back to pull off Dean's shoes and jeans, Dean loosened his foot and then kicked Castiel square in the jaw. Castiel stumbled back, holding his jaw, and Dean jumped up, slashing the angel blade forward. Castiel put his hand up in defense and then shouted out when it caught skin and another bright flash soared out. Dean took advantage of his pain and wrestled him down to the ground, tumbling into a shelf. He kissed Castiel again as books tumbled down on his back, and then reached down and pulled Castiel's pants and boxers down in one smooth movement.

"Ugnh-" Castiel moaned as Dean took his dick in his hand and massaged it firmly. Dean smirked down at him, and with his other hand pulled Castiel's leg over his shoulder.

Castiel was a quick learner. He swung his other leg around and firmly stomped in Dean's face. Dean fell back, on his ass, and Castiel scrambled up, twisting Dean around and pressing his hardness into the back of Dean's boxers. Dean groaned and squirmed against him, as Castiel held his arms back and leaned over him, gasping for air.

"Oh, God," Dean said, his voice muffled. "God, I love this."


	7. But it doesn't change anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel and Dean say goodbye.

After Cas had passed out, Dean took a walk through the dark camp, keeping an eye on the lit cabin in the center of it all. It was getting cooler, and he shoved his hands in his pockets, wishing he was wearing another layer. He couldn't explain the panic in his chest but he felt like he couldn't breathe, and he was psyching himself up to bursting into the cabin when the door open and four people walked out.

Dean froze, and when one of them, the girl who had slapped him, looked up, he raised a hand awkwardly in a greeting. She rolled her eyes and muttered something to the guy next to her, who gave him a guarded look and then looked away. They all spread out, going to their separate cabins, and Dean stood, watching them, completely confused.

He knocked hesitantly on the door, and then peered in. Future Dean was sitting in a chair, his face in his hands, a half-empty bottle of scotch beside him. He rubbed his eyes and looked blearily at Dean as he came in.

"What - uh," Dean hesitated. "Where..."

"You're not going tomorrow," Future Dean said abruptly, grabbing the Scotch and stretching. He kicked his leg over the chair and wandered towards the bedroom.

"Wait, what? I thought you wanted me to go."

"Nope. No need. Cas either. Y'all, uh -" Dean looked back at him to wink. "Y'all sleep in." He closed the door and a second later Dean heard it lock.

"What the fuck," he said to himself in the empty cabin. He looked around, searching for clues about what had happened here earlier, but everything was tidy - the map set out on the table, the glasses of water in random places where the soldiers had left them, the bookshelf neatly lined with books. Nothing to explain the noises and lights he had seen from the windows earlier.

He nosed around in the kitchen, and then came back and rummaged through the desk drawers. In the bottom drawer, under a gun, he found an angel blade.

He made a low, guttural moan, seeming to emanate somewhere in his body other than his mouth, as he lifted the blade up and examined it for scuffs or blood, or whatever came out of Castiel. Not satisfied with what he found, he shoved it in the side of his pants, wincing at the icy cool feel of the metal against his skin, and then stormed out of the cabin.

Outside, he distanced himself from Dean's cabin, or any of the cabins, and went deeper into the small grove of trees in the back of the compound. "Cas," he growled, his voice low and dangerous. "Castiel, you better come right now, you son of a bitch, or I swear I'll -" he faltered. "Cas," he said again, this time with a hint of desperation.

There was a flutter behind him and he whirled around, to see Castiel standing, stock still and staring at the ground. He marched up to Castiel and grabbed his chin, forcing him to look him in the eyes. "What did you do?"

Castiel didn't open his mouth; tried to turn his head away.  Dean held him in place,  so he averted his eyes instead. "What do you want Dean," he finally said, and his voice was so distant, so monotone, it reminded Dean of when he had returned from his heavenly reprimand and Dean's heart dropped so low, he grasped Castiel's face tighter.

"What happened?" he repeated, pulling closer to Castiel, trying to catch his eyes. "What happened with you and Future Dean? Why did he say I don't have to go anymore?"

Castiel pulled away from Dean's grip, looked to the side, sighed,  and then made a concerted effort to look up, and to look Dean in the eyes. His eyes were pained and soft, the way he looked at Dean sometimes like he wanted to end it all, and Dean tried to approach him again but he stepped back.

"You don't need to go, Dean," Castiel said, pleading. "It's a suicide mission."

"But Zachariah will pull me back. He sent me here to teach me a lesson - he's not going to let me die."

"It doesn't matter. Future you - " Castiel stopped himself and looked away again. Dean sighed.

"Talk to me, Cas," he said evenly. "It's me. Please. Tell me what's going on."

"Future Dean only wants you to come to see Sam." Dean stiffened. "Lucifer, as... Sam. He thinks it's necessary for you to make the right choice when you return."

"So he really doesn't think it's all your fault."

Castiel did not respond to that. "I think it's unnecessary. I don't want you to have to go through that."

There was a long pause, Dean staring at Castiel, longing for him to turn back to him, his hand raised as if to touch Castiel on the arm but afraid to make the contact. Castiel stood still, as he did, staring hard into the darkness.

"How did you convince him?" Dean asked in a whisper, needing to know.

Castiel shot him a dark look. "I'll go with him instead," he said, avoiding the question.

"To protect him."

"No." Dean started. Castiel bit his lip and continued. "Lucifer is an archangel. I can help the expedition, with the demons and Croats. I cannot fight Lucifer. I am not strong enough." He swallowed.

"So..." Dean prompted. Castiel waited. "So - what? You'll zap back when I go?"

"I'm not coming back," Castiel told him patiently.

Dean's body went cold. He was shaking his head before he could even process it. "No," he said. "No. Cas - you can't do that."

"I have to," Cas said.

"What, to help this douchebag? Cas, that's not me. That's not going to end up being me," Dean protested.

Castiel shook his head. "No," he said. "Not just because of that. But I have to," he said. "We have to change the past. Our - present. I've seen inside Cas' memories. That can't happen."

"It won't."

"It will.  It has. "

"What happened to free will?  We can stop this.  I can -" Dean's voice broke,  and he finally touched Castiel's arm,  desperate to draw closer to him.  "Cas, I won't let this happen to us. "

Castiel looked up at him with guarded eyes.  "Humans can't break fate,  Dean.  I can.  And this is how I will,  make everything all right." Dean gripped him tighter,  but couldn't speak. "Trust me when I tell you.  This is best, for everyone - *everyone* involved. "

"No, " Dean pleaded.  "Its not fair.  I... I need you,  Cas. You can't keep sacrificing yourself. "

"I've asked for Cas to stay as well.  When we go tomorrow,  he can. .. take care of you. "

Dean snorted.  "Oh,  he's not able to take care of himself. " 

It was a joke, but Castiel stiffened at those words, and pulled his arm away. "I know, " he said,  taking a step away from Dean,  "that you prefer me with power. "

"No, " Dean said quickly, shaking his head  trying to backtrack already. 

"I know I'm of no use to you without my powers. "

"No,  no,  Cas,  I didn't mean. .."

"Think of it this way.  You'll go back,  and you won't have to see me fall,  for you.  You won't have the burden of a useless ex-angel on your shoulders. "

"Cas!" Dean panicked at the thought of Castiel flitting off,  so he ran around to face Castiel and grabbed his shoulders,  forcing him to face him. "No,  Cas,  it isn't like that. I'm not a user. I... I care about you. "

"It is like that,  Dean. " Castiel said stonily. "It will be. " 

"No, " Dean said urgently.  He cupped Castiel's face and stared deep into his eyes.  "Cas. I will fight this.  I'm not that person.  I would never treat you like that.  Cas,  I..." and his voice faltered again but this time he regrouped and whispered, starting deep in Castiel'so sad eyes,  "I love you. "

Castiel didn't respond for a long time, but stared back,  a quick,  searching look,  as if trying to find the truth in Dean's face.  Finally he sighed,  swallowed hard,  and croaked back,  in a strained,  choked voice,  "I love you too."

Dean's face,  streaked with tears,  broke into a huge smile,  and he wrapped his arms around Castiel and pressed his lips firmly against the angel's,  desperate and longing.  Castiel flinched at first,  but then softened and met Dean's hungry kiss.

After a moment,  Castiel pulled away, as Dean held on to his trench coat,  unwilling to let him go.  Castiel took his hands off the collar and held them,  smiling sadly at Dean.  "And I have to go. "

Dean froze. "What? "

"I'm sorry, Dean.  Its the only way. "

"You don't believe me, " Dean crowed in a soft,  disbelieving voice.  "You don't think I can change the future. "

"This is us, " Castiel caressed Dean's cheek.  "Changing the future. "

"What do I have to do?  To prove that I care about you?  That I'm not just using you for your power? "

Castiel smiled sadly. It may have been a trick of the light,  but Dean swore the were tears glistening on his cheeks. "Take care of Cas, " he said,  and then closed his eyes and was gone. 

"No-" Dean lurched forward with the shock of Castiel disappearing in his arms,  and almost lost his balance.  He stumbled forward,  and outstretched, suddenly yelling "No. .. no CAS!" for a lot longer than he wished to admit,  before falling to his knees and realizing he had just said goodbye to Castiel forever.  He knelt in the dirt,  in the darkness, and let the sobs painfully rack through his body,  until he was empty of any feeling, climbed to his feet,  and trudged back to Cas' cabin. He had a promise to fulfill. But more than that,  more than anything else,  he just wanted to be in Cas' arms again. 


	8. Twice Goodbyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is, in some ways, still a jackass.

> Dean crawled into bed and pulled Cas towards him, burying his face in his neck, holding him as tight as he wanted to be held himself. This was a different Castiel; he smelled like cigarettes and alcohol, his frame was smaller and scarred, and his face was rough with stubble. He slumped and slinked and didn't hold himself with that high command and aloofness that Castiel did. But he was still a Castiel, and he was all that Dean had right now.

Cas sighed, didn't resist, and pulled his arms around Dean too, leaning forward and giving him a kiss on the forehead.

"Cas?" Dean asked, shakily.

"Hmm," Cas said, stretching slightly. "What did you find out?"

"They don't want me to go," Dean said. "Or, Cas doesn't. Dean has somehow agreed."

Cas made a humming sound, and rested his head back down on the pillow. Dean's eyes were leaking still, dampening the pillow and Cas' shoulder. Cas pulled him tight.

"They said you could stay too." Dean whispered. "You... will? Will you?"

Cas stiffened. After a pause, he said in a casual voice, "of course."

That "of course" resonated with Dean for some reason. He lay there, trying to take comfort in it, but feeling wrong somehow. Then he remembered how the Future Dean had asked if Cas was coming. That same, 'of course', as if Cas would follow him to the ends of the Earth. And actually was going to.

Dean pulled away. "You don't have to."

"What?"

"You promised Dean you would go."

Cas shrugged, pulling Dean back. "I didn't promise. I said I would."

Dean felt cold in Cas' arms. "No," he said. "You should go. If you want to."

Cas sighed. "Dean," he said patiently. "I have spent so many years following him. The only thing that keeps me going is that pathetic, desperate longing to see that part of him that made it all worth it, in the beginning. The man I dedicated myself to." He blew out slowly. "And now here you are, the one I've wanted for so long. I will stay with you. I would do anything for you."

Dean choked out a sob and finally lifted his head, facing Cas and pressing his tear-slick lips against his. Cas slid his hands down Dean's shirt, finding the warm skin underneath, and Dean shivered, pushing himself further into Cas' kiss, as if it were going to save him from everything. "I need you," he choked. "I can't go back without you. Or..."

"Or your Castiel," Cas said, pulling away. Dean landed back on his back, away from Cas. This wasn't working out the way he wanted it to. "Maybe Castiel will live," he said thoughtfully.

"He seemed pretty adamant that he wouldn't."

Cas hummed thoughtfully, thrumming his fingers on his bare chest. "So," he said. "Dean and Castiel are going to their deaths. As soon as that happens, there will be no reason for you to stay here. And so Zachariah will sprint you back to the past."

"My present," Dean nodded. "I got to call Sam. I got to make this all right."

Cas didn't say anything. He waited for Dean to make the next connection: that tomorrow, Cas would wake up alone in this bed, past Dean gone, present Dean and past Castiel dead. He would be alone with - Chuck? The women? Cas darkened.

Dean grasped Cas' hand again, whispering, "I need you," and Cas didn't answer, wanting him to make that next leap, realize "you need me."

But Cas wouldn't say it himself. He wouldn't burden Dean with that guilt. So instead he turned to Dean and whispered "you have me" and he realized now that his eyes were wet, too, so instead he pulled Dean back to him and kiss him again, harder this time, as if he could melt into Dean.

Dean let out a strange sob, and then rolled over so he was on top of Castiel, pressing his wrists down on either side of his head and passionately kissing him. Cas responded with a broken pleasure, writhing under Dean's weight and gasping when his dick brushed against the hardness in Dean's jeans.

Dean didn't rush to take off his clothes, but instead knelt over the naked Cas, and kissed the skin, the curve of his neck, the bicep in his arm, the thick scars scrawled against his thin belly. Cas hissed and raised his leg, sliding it up Dean's side and wrapping around his waist, trying to pull him back down. Dean grinned through his tears and pulled his shirt off, working off the button of his jeans before stretching out again over Cas, who eagerly pushed them down over Dean's thighs. Electricity sizzled through their skin with every touch, and Cas wrapped his legs around Dean, pulling him closer, closer, and Dean was there now, leaning forward to softly catch his lips again, in a warm, loving kiss. Cas wanted to cry with joy but then he felt Dean's dick moving next to his and he gasped and stretched his legs wide around Dean's torso. "Dean," he said, finally admitted it, although it could be misconstrued here, "I need you too,"

"Can I," Dean gasped, his eyes blown wide, struggling to ask for what he wanted. The lust, the need, was aching for him, and as close as he was to Cas right now, it wasn't enough, it would never be enough. "Can I fuck you?" He whispered.

Cas couldn't answer, nodded quickly, his lips puffy and needing and reaching towards Dean again. And it was strange how quickly they had gone from torn hearts and tears to this insane pleasure, but perhaps in a way it wasn't, because they both needed, so desperately, and this was all they would have together.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

In the morning, Dean slipped out of bed and pulled his shirt and jeans on, shoving his feet into his shoes and the angel blade in the side of his jeans before heading out into the dewy yellow early morning.

He found Chuck drinking coffee on the porch of the central cabin.  His face dropped when he saw Dean.

"Are they already gone?" Dean asked gruffly, too quick.

"Yeah," Chuck said drily, busying himself with the coffee.

"Chuck," Dean said, climbing up the stairs to the porch.  He sat down in the chair next to Chuck and leaned forward.  Chuck sighed and looked back out.  Dean didn't even balk at his reticence anymore. "Chuck, what happened?  What did Castiel do?"

"What do you mean?  He's going in your place," Chuck said curtly.

"But how did he convince Dean?"

Chuck groaned.  "Let it go, Dean. It doesn't matter."

"It does matter.  It's Cas." Dean's voice shrank to a whisper. "It matters."

"It's too personal.  I'll write it in a book or something.  I'm  _not_ having this discussion with you."  Chuck got up to leave.

"Wait," Dean said.  "Okay, you don't have to tell me that.  But the future - this future - do you see anything else?  What happens to the group?  To Cas?"

"They all die.  They don't even hurt Lucifer."

"Not even with Cas there?"  Chuck didn't answer.  Dean was quiet for a moment.  "And me?"

"As soon as it goes down, Zachariah pulls you out.  He's out of cards to play.  And I don't see your future in the... past."

"And then what?"

"What do you mean and then what?"

"I mean... what happens next?  To this world?  Or Cas, maybe he... is resurrected or something?"

Chuck opened the cabin door and gritted his teeth.  "I don't see anything else.  That's the thing about my visions.  It's not about me, or... the world, even.  It was just all about you, and Sam.  And with both of you gone, the visions stop.  Fuck the rest of us."  And Chuck slammed the door behind him.

Dean bit his lip, ground his shoe into the dirt on the wooden porch.  He wanted to call out to Cas, beg him to come back, if only for a second.   _I need you_ , Dean would say and Castiel would hug him and everything would be okay, if only for a moment.  

But the past Cas scared him now.  The way he stood so resolutely, the coldness in his eyes.  Even when they softened, even when Cas said those words  _I love you_ , and Dean thought everything was falling into place: he still turned around and said nothing had changed.  Dean didn't know which would be worse: thinking Castiel didn't care about him, or knowing that he cared and was leaving him anyway.

He was being selfish.  Castiel wanted to save the world.  And he wanted to save them, from whatever fucked up versions of themselves had survived this Apocalypse.  But as much as Dean always wanted to do right, he also always ended up saving his people instead.  He would have let the world burn if only to stay with Castiel.

But right now, he fought the urge to call, cry out, beg for Castiel to come to him, and the only thing he could think was  _and what if Cas didn't show?_ He didn't think he'd survive that. Not again, not after last night.  So instead, he sat, trembling, shaking his leg and trying to breathe deeply. 

Finally Dean gave up and slid to his knees.  Pressing his hands together,  he leaned against the rough side of the porch rail and closed his eyes. 

"Cas," he prayed,  all sense of dignity or insecurity drifting away from him.  "Cas,  I know you probably won't respond,  and that's okay. I understand.  You're doing the right thing.  You're stronger than me. 

"I just want you to hear this.  I hope you're still alive,  that you're riding with that jackass version of me,  but that you have a moment,  just one quick moment,  to hear me out. 

"I love you.  I hate what I've become because it was never about power with you.  Maybe I got screwed up losing the power and became obsessed with it.  Obviously I suffered some kind of mental problem because that walking nightmare  _is not me._ He will never be me.  Or,  more to the point,  I will never be him.  That's my promise to you,  Cas.  You're good and smart and right,  and if I ever spoke down to you it was my own pigheadedness, my own insecure sense of self,  and I was wrong.  But I won't let your most recent sacrifice be in vain.  I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you proud.  Trying to be that Righteous Man, .. because for some reason you believed in me.  I will spend the rest of my life trying to make this up to you.  Trying to be who you think I can be.  I would do it.  I would do. .. anything. ..  for you. "

Dean choked,  fell back on his butt, and wiped his eyes.  Too lost to be embarrassed,  he sat quietly,  waiting, for something.  

And then there was a clear sense of warmth washing over him,  and a sense of peace fell about him,  and he would have sworn Cas had pressed a kiss upon his head,  or blessed him. 

Suddenly he felt like everything would be all right.  The sense of love from Castiel poured through his body,  and he knew he would be okay.  

He smiled as tears once again prickled at his eyes. 

Another sudden urge drew him to his feet.  Zachariah would be getting him soon.  He should be with Cas, say goodbye,  hold him one last time. 

 _Say goodbye,_ the truth dawned on him as he walked. Zachariah would be taking Dean back to the present.  Castiel and future Dean were on their way to certain death.  And Cas, in bed,  would be alone again. With his drugs, and his women,  but alone. 

Dean's heart picked up until he was running through the camp, a sudden panic thrumming throughout his body.  Cas, last night,  turning stiff when Dean had asked,  "you'll stay with me,  will you?"  He hadnt realized at the time,  but if course,  Cas would rather have died with his Dean.  But he wouldn't say no,  wouldn't leave this past version of Dean alone for the night,  couldn't deny him anything. 

Dean's cheeks burned as he tore up the steps and burst into Cas' cabin. 

"Cas!" He shouted,  running and jumping onto the bed.  Cas didn't move.  "Cas, " he pleaded,  grabbing the man's shoulders and shaking him roughly.  "Cas, please." Cas' thin frame shook in his grip like a rag. His chapped,  puffy lips hung open and a thin tail of drool pooled out.  Dean pulled one eyelid open and was shocked at the blown, black iris. 

He dropped Cas,  icy shivers tracing up and down his back,  as he surveyed the room,  desperately searching for some kind of clue. 

Which was there,  on the nightstand: three empty bottles of pills and an empty bottle of whisky.  Dean grabbed Cas' body up, leaned it over the side of the bed,  and forced his finger down his throat.  Cas didn't move.  

"Fucking come on!" He yelled desperately,  pushing Cas over roughly,  grabbing him from behind and trying the heimlich maneuver.  Was that even a thing?  He couldn't think straight.

And in the middle of it,  long before Dean could realize what was happening,  thin strands of ghostly cobwebs pricked, pulled at his skin.  

"No!"  Dean shouted when he realized what was happening.  "No!  Wait! " he pitched forward and grabbed Cas' naked body,  tumbling to the floor and holding on tight as he felt the strands of angel pulling him back in time. He held onto Cas firmly and stretched away from the pull, pouring his entire being into resisting it. 

And then there was Zachariah, standing all smarmily in Cas' bedroom,  that hateful smirk stretching across his face as he said in a patronizing, almost scolding,  tone,  "Dean.  It's time to go. "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be the end but it got away from me.


	9. This is the End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But really this story decided that it wasn't going to end, anyway.

"No!" Dean yelled, leaning over and pulling Cas into his arms. He could feel the pull on him, strong thin strands pulling him back to his time, but he ripped against them, gasping as he felt the tear in his shoulders. He wrapped his arms around Cas and put his face in his neck, letting out a thick sob.

"Jesus fucking Christ," Zachariah muttered to himself. Something let loose - the tug between Cas and Dean fell through, and then they were both shot back into 2009.

On the shag rug of the motel room floor. Dean, not even hardly noticing except to feel relief of the pull letting go of him, stay huddled over Cas, sobbing audibly now.

"Dean," Zachariah was saying, shouting. "Dean!" Dean did not respond. Zachariah gestured and Dean's arms let loose, Cas' body flying away to the other side of the room. Dean started after him but found himself stuck in place. He glared up at Zachariah. "Okay, great, Hi Dean!" Zachariah said in his infuriatingly sardonic voice. "Well, now, other than this corpse, did you gain anything else from this little experience?"

"Bring him back," Dean said, breathing heavily, looking up to glare at Zachariah in the eye.

Zachariah burst out laughing. "Oh, dear, no," he said. "No, I don't think that will be happening anytime soon."

"Bring him back," Dean grunted, growled, unable to say anything else.

Zachariah examined him for a moment. "Let me explain something to you," he said. "This," he gestured to Cas' body. "This, is trash. It is the corpse of a vessel of an angel who was, frankly, trash. So you can kind of say, it's trashed trash."

"Cas was not trash," Dean said a little too forcefully. Who cared what Zachariah said?

"But he was," Zachariah argued. "He was a shit angel and a shit human. He never listened and he never did anything right. And it's partially his fault that we're in this mess to begin with. He was supposed to get you in line."

Dean looked back at Cas' body, and then glared at the floor, unable to even look at Zachariah right now. "Am I important?" he murmured.

"What?"

"Am I important? To this little crusade?"

Zachariah scoffed. He didn't want to answer. Finally he said, "you know you are."

"Then he is important," Dean said, pointing back to Cas. "Bring him back."

"I think you're a little too used to this asshole," Zachariah gestured to him as well. "But let me get you up to speed: you don't threaten angels. You don't boss angels around. You are a small piece of this. You do not hold any power."

Dean reached down and slid the angel blade out of the side of his jeans. Zachariah burst out laughing. "Oh! Oh this is too great. You're so used to working with this ass clown, you think you're going to threaten me? What the hell, Dean. Seriously.  I can promise you, you're not going to hurt me."

Dean swallowed and pressed the tip of the blade against his throat.  Zachariah paused, watching him carefully.  

"Bring him back," Dean whispered, eyes wide and begging. 

Zachariah watched him with a pause, and then snorted.  "You won't do it."

"I am not going forward without him."

"You'd leave Sam?  You'd let him say yes?"  Zachariah stared at him with both skepticism and fear.  "You'd turn your back on your  _brother_?"

Dean closed his eyes and let the pain wash over him.  Sam out there on his own.  Sam saying yes.  And without Dean as Michael, Lucifer winning.  The whole world falling apart. 

And then there was Cas, crumbled in the corner like a piece of, well, trash.  Cas flinching when he pushed him, Castiel admitting yes, he cared for him, but he still had to do the right thing.  Castiel fighting Future Dean to spare Dean from having to see Sam as Lucifer, Cas leaning over him in the dark to kiss him, Cas, who had sacrificed everything, his family, his home, his command, losing everything for Dean, time and time again, and promising to do it again. 

 _I'm sorry, Sam_ , Dean whispered to himself.  _Please be strong.  Please make it on your own.  Fight it, somehow._

Then he looked up to Zachariah and nodded, his eyes wet.  "Bring Cas back or I go with him," he choked out, his voice thick. 

Zachariah stood stock still, watching Dean with disbelief.  Dean, knowing Zachariah didn't believe him, leaned over, braced himself against the floor with his free hand.  "All I have to do is let go," he said.  "Fall into it."  

He wondered if Zachariah could push it away from him, force him to drop the blade.  But somehow his bluff worked; Zachariah didn't forcibly stop him from threatening himself. Instead, he raised his hand as if begging Dean to stop.

"Say yes," Zachariah said quickly. 

"Fuck you, " Dean rasped.

"Say yes to Michael and I'll bring him back. "

"Bring him back and I won't kill myself, " Dean snapped. Then,  considered.  "And I'll. .. consider it. "

Zachariah glowered, tensed his shoulders,  and then gave a huff.  He snapped his fingers with attitude,  muttered "I am so sick of you two, " and flitted off. 

Dean felt the lead in his shoes give away,  and he scrambled over to the tangle of naked limbs that was Cas, who was now gasping,  choking awake. 

"Cas?" Dean said, but Cas only made a gurgling noise in reply. Dean pulled him up and helped him into a leaning position,  and Cas responded by heaving forward and vomiting all over the floor. 

"It's OK,  get it all out," Dean murmured,  petting the back of Cas' head gently,  holding him up with the other hand.  Cas choked,  gagged,  and spit,  wiping his eyes and looking up at Dean. 

"God,  dude, you smell like shit, " Dean said jokingly.  Cas looked at him with glazed eyes,  a hint of a smile on his face,  but didn't respond.  "Let's get you into the bathtub," Dean said quickly. 

Cas wasnt so good at standing on his own,  but he was compliant as Dean lifted him up and walked him to the small,  dingy bathroom.  Dean sat him on the toilet and ran hot water,  taking a washcloth and scrubbing the bathtub as well as he could.  Cas sat,  still dazed,  watching him.  When Dean was satisfied that the tub was clean enough,  he pulled the stopper and turned to Cas.  "Do you need help?"

Cas just watched him dully, his lips parted as if he were about to speak, but lost the energy halfway there.  Dean grimaced, not happy with Cas' current state, but reminded himself at least Cas was alive. He wrapped his arms around Cas,  placing a kiss on his cheek as he did so,  raised him to his feet,  and helped him stumble into the tub,  where he gently lowered him into the warm water. 

Cas shivered,  wrapped his arms around himself,  and choke-coughed again. "Let me get you some water," Dean said,  and leapt up.  

He unwrapped a hotel cup and filled it with tap water,  grabbed his phone and headed back to the bathroom.  Cas took the cup and drank it greedily,  in one take, gasping and sputtering. Dean threw the cup to the side and knelt beside the tub,  posting Cas' back and murmuring soft noises of reassurance.   When Cas finally relaxed and lay back in the tub,  Dean quickly dialed Sam. 

"What." Sam answered curtly. Dean didn't care. 

"Dude,  you've got to come, " he practically shouted into the phone.  Cas' eyes snapped open and Dean shook his head apologetically,  petting Cas' head.  "Sam," he continued, "I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry.  I was wrong.  And this - this is big.  I need you,  dude. Please come. We've got to do this together."

Sam might have been considering saying no,  but it was the last few sentences that stopped him. Dean was breathing hard,  panicky, and his voice gave way at the end,  as if he were crying. Desperate.  Sam paused,  and then said carefully: "Dean,  are you okay? "

"I am. Thank god,  I am,  and Cas. .." he trailed off. "Cas is here.  Sam,  you're not going to believe. ... but Sam you have to come here,  it's so important." Dean realized he sounded like a jack ass and didn't care. 

"I'm coming, " Sam said quickly.  "Jesus Dean... I'm coming. Text me your address. "

Dean laughed with tears of relief and hung up the phone.  After sending the address,  he turned to Cas. 

" 's good to hear," Cas mumbled almost intelligibly.

Dean smiled again,  caressed Cas' cheek.  "Let's get you in bed, " he said sweetly. 

He helped Cas wash his hair,  scrubbed his body until the water was brown with years of dirt,  and then held him up in the stream of the shower to rinse off.  He wrapped three towels around him to keep him warm,  even though Cas laughed and said it was unnecessary,  and then helped him into the room and into a clean pair of Dean's boxers and an Anthrax t-shirt.  

When he finally tucked Cas into the covers,  Cas was smiling,  clutching the covers like a child,  until Dean rose to move away, and then he grabbed Dean's hand. 

"What is it? " Dean asked, leaving over Cas with concern. 

"Don't leave me, " Cas whispered,  his large puppy eyes wide and teary as he watched Dean closely. 

"I never will," Dean said,  and kissed Cas' forehead.  He thought about all the things he should do,  but instead he stood,  pulled his wet clothes off,  and climbed into bed with Cas. 

Cas immediately rolled over and grasped Dean tightly around the waist. Dean gasped with shock,  still feeling strange in this new timeline, but pulled Cas into him and pressed his cheek against Cas' forehead. 

Sam was coming,  and Cas was there,  and they would figure out how to save the world together.  And until then,  there was this moment,  of quiet,  and peace,  and love.  Dean sighed, and for a moment,  was content. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it for this one. I'm thinking now of either a prequel about what went down with Endverse Cas-and-Dean, or a continuation of this one. Let me know what you think, I appreciate everyone who commented and kudo'ed. :)


End file.
